Let's Go to the Mailbag!

It's true, I have been ignoring the topic suggestions that were put forth by Andy, my wife, my wife, my wife, and my wife during my request to fill the mailbox. Haven't seen me in a few years? Want to talk about something specific? Ask away.

Now, let's get down to the answers you've been seeking...

Topic #1: Andy would like to talk about Porno.

Do you ever walk around the street looking at people and wonder what flavor of porn they prefer? I do. (This is an off-shoot of the very popular bar game "What position does she like?") Anyway, most people probably like their standard 10-15 minutes of girl-on-girl or guy-on-girl. That gets the job done for the majority. However, statistics tell us that at least a few people we come into contact with during our day have a stash of "enormous-tittied 80-year-old chick getting freaky with a horse" porn. Take a look around the office tomorrow and make a list of the most likely suspects. It's easier than you might think.

Topic #2: Jokin Z would like to talk about poodles.

Hmmm. Poodles. You know what a funny image is that I would never do? Punting a small dog into a nice tight spiral. Admit it, you could be the largest poodle lover in the whole world and you still have to chuckle at that image. I can't decide if it's the tight spiral starting at the snout or the YYYYYIIIIiiiiiiippppppppp of their bark as they travel 50 yards downfield.

Topic #3: Jokin Z would like to talk about the movie "Happy Feet".

I swore off this movie and declared that I would never waste two hours of my life on it. This decision was based on the very brief promo I saw that only depicted some stupid animated penguins that dance. Is that it? Is this just a desperate attempt to latch onto the success of "March of the Penguins"? I can't believe how terrible this looks! Anyway, I am softening my position and am willing to bite the bullet and sit through this if my beautiful wife really wants to see it. By the way, stay tuned for "Happy Feet 2" which stars the feet of yours truly. It'll be a heart-warming story of one infant's lower limbs that realize their greatness and go on to win the newly created Nobel Prize for Best Looking Feet.

Topic #4: Jokin Z would also like to talk about "how the age of information has turned blogs and forums into political weapons."

This is actually a very interesting topic. First, the blogosphere and internet publications in general are a tremendous tool for not only relaying information to the public, but also in swaying opinion. As one matures and becomes more politically astute, they usually realize at some point, "Hey, media sources are pretty damn biased." Whether you're complaining about Fox News being Republican lap dogs or The New York Times and Washington Post slurping the Liberals, you can usually find a lot of differing opinions on the net. Granted, they're just as slanted (if not more) than what you'll find elsewhere... but at least you get different views. More proof of the importance of the internet is how every single second of an entire campaign is instantly accessible. Every politician better be constantly on guard now that camera phones, an internet connection, and YouTube is all one needs to air your blunder to the world. I really think the VA Senate race (and therefore the U.S. Senate majority) came down to the grainy video of Sen. Allen calling that dude "Mucaca".

Topic #5: Finally, Jokin Z suggested talking about "the definition of a tactical accessory".

That's rather difficult to do. First of all, I've never said before but probably should that I hate the word "tactical". It's so overused. It conjures the image of fat guys buying black helmets and bulletproof vests.

Everything's tactical depending on how it's used, isn't it? It's really nothing more than a tool. Speaking of... how sweet are tools? Nothing makes me feel less like a monkey than using tools. Doesn't matter if it's putting new pipes on my bike last summer or using the remote to reach something that's fallen behind the couch.

Alright, sorry. "Tactical accessories". Examples? Could be anything. People might think I'm weird, but I carry a tiny (but quality) flashlight with me everywhere. There've been a few times at work that I've had to dig into the servers or something and it's come in handy. You also never know when you're going to be in a parking garage or a blackout or something.

Here's another little tip that I recently heard about that most people might not think of. I know I didn't.

Keep a house key in your bedroom attached to a small flashlight or glow stick or something. If your alarm goes off at 4AM or you hear breaking glass downstairs, obviously, the best thing to do is sit tight and call the cops. You DO NOT want to go sneaking around your house no matter how much training you've had or how armed you may be. Hopefully you have a means to defend yourself while waiting for the police response, but that's a different blog entry.

Anyway, what do the cops have to do when they come to check out your place? Bust your door down. This way you can throw the key out a window to them and save yourself the cost of a $400 door. The cops prefer it as well since it makes their entry a lot easier.