Guest Blogger: Stephen Colbert

I must confess that I've never trusted the World Wide Web. I've always seen it as a coward's tool. Where does it live? How do you hold it personally responsible? Can you put a distributed network of fiber-optic cable "on notice"? And is it male or female? In other words, can I challenge it to a fight?

My harsh, yet truthful, criticisms end when it comes to The Musings of Milkey. Never before has the blogosphere been blessed with the writings of such a true and gifted American hero. From the importance of being armed to knowing when it's important to be armed... this digital compilation of articles makes up a virtual underground railroad that is the one stop for all patriots that look to traverse the dangerous territories of those that want to trick you into voting for illegal immigration subsidies and terrorist welcome wagons. (They get a candle!)

If only there was some way that I could assist Milkey in his quest to spread truthiness throughout the liberal, anti-America, anti-gun think tanks. Perhaps if I were to

THIS IS THE THREAT DOWN!!!

5) "Assault" Weapons - Let's admit it. These target plinkers function no differently than any other legal semi-auto on the market. It's racial profiling at its worst.

So what if they're black? I don't see the color of guns. People tell me they're black and I believe them. Some of my best friends are black guns.



4) Gays - No matter how many hours you spend working them, training them, massaging them in a posh San Francisco spa, they keep fucking up the "This is My Rifle... This is My Gun" chant/choreography from Full Metal Jacket. I'm not giving up hope and will continue to work with these unfortunate souls until they get it right.

Boys, confirm me for next weekend.



3) The United Nations - The UN has recently come out with a report stating that individuals do not have a right to self-defense. That right exists only with the state.

Never mind... Too easy... Moving on.





2) You - I've had my sources at the NSA Wiretapping Division keep on eye on the four or five people that regularly visit this blog. I know that you don't own a gun and are just praying that the government will be able to save your sorry behinds at 4AM when a crazed meth-addict is holding you at knife-point and demanding to clean your entire house because they can't sleep. Let's hope that works out for you.




AND THE NUMBER ONE THREAT:



1) Bears - As you may have read on previous editions of The Musings of Milkey, firearms that are supposedly legally allowed to be carried by law-abiding citizens with an Ohio Concealed Handgun License are now being banned in and around Toledo parks. You know what this means....... no picnic basket is safe. Bears (like common criminals) can't read signs and pay lawyers tens of thousands of dollars to figure out where a state law is applicable in a particular city or township throughout the great state of Ohio. This results in our worst fear...





That, my friends, is the Threat Down! Please take it (and everything else on The Musings of Milkey) to heart. In order to be able to sleep tonight, please enjoy this bedtime lullabye by Attorney General and American Hero John Ashcroft: